


Dissonance

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-26
Updated: 2003-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-27 06:51:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12075762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin reflects on his reconciliation with Brian.





	Dissonance

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I think Brian imagines that us getting back together was a foregone conclusion. That the argument in the art department and subsequent tête-à-tête in his office was just one of any number of possible scenarios, and that the particulars of our reconciliation were a whimsy of fate. 

I think he was frightened that our reunion would be difficult, force him to be vulnerable or exposed in a way that he wasn't prepared to be. But I don't think he ever actually entertained the notion that we were through. I'm almost certain that he doesn't realize, or perhaps just refuses to consider, how tenuous, how fortuitous, that series of events was.

I'll never tell him that I was prepared to walk out of Vanguard and cut my ties with him permanently. I was prepared to wash myself clean of him, and place his presence firmly in my past. And if he hadn't grabbed my arm, pulled me around, that would have been the end of it.

I know he wonders sometimes if he made the right choice in taking me back. I know he also wonders if I made the right choice in returning to him. I'll never tell him that sometimes I wonder the same thing. I'll never tell him that I wonder, just as he does, whether he's worth what I give to him.

It's not that I think he has no value as a person, absolutely not; for all of his neuroses and fucked-up delusions, he's an incredible man. But we hurt each other, again and again. He hurts me so much sometimes, makes me feel so gutted, and I often wonder if the good moments outweigh all the shit that we do to each other. But I guess that's the ultimate question, isn't it? 'To be or not to be...'

Like Hamlet, sometimes the only reason I choose to be is because I feel that 'dread of something after death.' What dreams may come, indeed. I'm afraid to find out what would happen if I choose not to be, i.e. if I choose not to be with Brian. That would be like dying. But would I also be reborn?

The thing with Ethan...well, that was just an interlude; we both knew it, which is why I think I was so pissed off at Brian. I recognized that he still held me, inextricably, and that infuriated me. It was only after I broke it off with Ethan that I really thought about us, Brian and I. I did admit that I wanted Brian back, but I realized (and God, this still aches like an open wound) that I could do without him if I had to. I wasn't willing to live like we did before, like balancing on a tightrope with a noose around your neck. It wasn't living, it was just...waiting. For the drop.

I would have left him, cut my ties like a marionette freed from the puppeteer, and left him for good. But I'll never tell him that.


End file.
